My conflicting personal hang-ups have made it difficult for me to tell the next part of my story. From the title of this blog, you are clued into what is coming next.
My guess is there will be three types of responses on the posts to come…
1. “This is fascinating. I don’t have the answers but tell me more.”
2. “You clearly have Bipolar Disorder and everything you talk about describes things that could come from legit symptoms.”
3. “You don’t have Bipolar Disorder. You have obviously trifled with things best left alone and clearly Demons invaded your soul.”
Those people who fall in the third category need not comment or try to save me. I assure you that any unsolicited religious proclamations will fall on my very cute but very deaf ears. My beliefs fluctuate but if there is one thing that remains consistent for me, it is the notion that things are seldom as black and white as some would try to make me believe. Please refrain from pushing your beliefs onto me and try to keep an open mind as I express my personal experience.
With that all out of the way, I shall carry on from where I left from my last blog.
My dog passed away and I was heartbroken…
After trying to deal with the loss of my dog for a couple months, I decided to see a Psychic Medium to try and gain closure. Seeing a psychic was not a new experience for me. I have always been drawn to the New Age way of interpreting spirituality and there were many times I received comfort through tarot, psychics and mediums. These things are not permitted in the faith I was raised in (more on that to come) but even as a young girl, I had beliefs that correlated more with spiritualism.
During my appointment, the Medium mentioned that I had the ability to communicate with the dead and that I had psychic abilities. This was something I had heard from others before. She encouraged me to take her Psychic Medium classes. She also told me that she felt my life would be drastically different within a year. At the time, I dismissed the idea of taking classes for a variety of reasons but a few weeks later, without giving it any thought, I went to my computer and signed up for her classes. I remember feeling “out of my head” when I signed up. It was like I was having an automatic response to absolutely nothing. After I signed up and completed payment, I thought, “Well, I guess I’m doing those now” and quite literally, I gave a big shrug.
The next few months I took the classes. Everything I learned was like feeding catnip to my mind and senses. I was taught to tap into everything I was feeling, smelling, tasting, hearing and thinking. I was taught to visualize who was sending me messages through my emotions and to figure out the message behind any sensation I had.
I have lived my entire life with extreme mood shifts, disconnected thought patterns, constant mental chatter, vivid dreams and extremely deep feelings. Occasionally, I will hear, smell or see something that doesn’t have a physical source. Often, I feel like something is touching me, yet no one is there. Although living with all of this has always been my normal, I still find it exhausting. Within class, I was taught that these things which I had always struggled with, were actually coming from an outside spiritual source. Accepting that notion, gave me relief. Relief unlike any I had ever had. My feelings of depression and anxiety began to subside, and I began to feel more open, hopeful, loving and elated.
After years of closing off my spirituality, I began to embrace ideas about the afterlife that came from a variety of sources. At this point, I was still blocking any thoughts I had about God or Jesus. These blocks become important later in my story but for now, it’s sufficient to say that I accepted that they could be real, but I rejected that they were like how I was taught. I focused more on the spirit world and the idea that we each had spiritual teachers helping us from beyond. I accepted the spiritualist teaching that I had my own particular spirit guides who were helping me learn Mediumship.
I advanced in class quickly. As I was taught, I began tapping into energy. I started getting messages for my classmate’s through visualization and my senses. It was important to me to get as little information directly from other students as possible because I wanted to know I was really a psychic. I would not have remained a student if I wasn’t receiving validation for the things I was saying. I got positive feedback and validation from my peers and soon they started coming to me outside of class for free readings.
The validation I was receiving kept pushing me forward. Some of the validation I received, was downright creepy. I started to feel more and more connected to Spirit (a term for the spirit world) and my visualizations became substantially stronger. I felt I had a greater purpose. I decided I could help people the most by making this my path. I began to take more advanced classes to push myself forward.
This is where everything began to unravel.
First, I took an Integrative Breathwork workshop. This workshop was a day of meditation coupled with breathing techniques, music and art. The purpose of Integrative Breathwork is to heal the mind, body and spirit and cleanse away toxic patterns of being through breathing patterns. When I signed up for the class, I had to sign a waiver and one of the stipulations for taking the class was that you could not have bipolar disorder. At the time, I hadn’t been diagnosed with the condition, but I certainly understand why this was cautioned against now.
My personal experience with this workshop triggered massive visualizations. The visualizations were so intense that I truly believed I was seeing several parts of former lives I may have lived. The majority of the “clips” from these lives were heavily dominated by love, sex and betrayal. I didn’t recognize this at the time, but these visualizations were very indicative of issues I have encountered in this life. Everything I saw may have been my subconscious pushing these issues to my awareness or it could have been I truly was remembering past lives…though that is far less likely.
Towards the end of the breathing portion of the workshop, there were two visualizations I had which didn’t seem past life related, but they felt concurrent. If you’re a superhero fan, it was like the Earth 1 version of me was seeing what the Earth 2 & 3 versions of me were doing in that exact moment. The first visual I shut down right away because it involved me talking to God and my mind wouldn’t allow me to venture down that path. In the second visual, I was a Buddhist monk, talking to the me who was in the workshop (trust me, I know how hard that is to follow). The monk and I had an in-depth conversation. In the end, it was communicated that “This workshop is what changes this life and everything that follows.”
After the Breathwork was done, we were given art supplies to draw our experience. Looking at mine now, pains my heart. Not because of how crappy my drawing abilities are (even though they are) but because I can see exactly how my future months would unravel. This piece of artwork showed my future psychosis.
In the center is you will see the sun. Outside the sun, is a star. Outside the star there is a heart, a broken heart, a slit with gushing blood, a knife with trickling blood, a castle and a bird. Around the whole piece there are arrows to symbolize an eternal loop. Feel free to keep these things in mind as you read future blogs. I will go into more detail on this later.
Within weeks of taking the Integrative Breathwork Workshop, I had what would end up being, my last psychic class. This second class would give me the final tool I needed to completely break myself. A direct way to communicate with spirits outside myself…
After this, nothing would ever be the same.